Absorbent and Yellow and Porous is He

Marty (holding a wrapper from an Easter Twix, which I must say is the least Eastery looking candy wrapper I've ever seen): I know how to spell Twix

Mommy: Oh, yeah?

Marty: T-W-I-X

Mommy: Yep, that's Twix.

Marty: Actually it's twick

Mommy: Why is it "twick"?

Marty (referring, I keep telling myself, to the universal "you" not "you" as in "you, Mommy": Because when you eat too many of these, they go straight to your thighs

Mommy (ready to place a snotty phone call to whoever is giving our kiddies food issues): Who told you that?

Marty: Spongebob did. He said Squidward was eating too many crabby patties.

Mommy: Yeah, that'll do it.

That Sidewalk Is So Clean You Could Eat Off It

I don’t recall exactly why I recently taught the kiddies the 5-second rule (and yes, I saw the article that the 5-second rule isn't true, but I don't believe it). I probably told them so that if they ever saw someone drop something and then pick it up and eat it, they wouldn’t launch into their typical detailed lectures regurgitating ever reason I’ve ever given them for not eating off the floor. Today, apparently, it came in handy.

I was instructed to send in 12 undecorated cupcakes for Lauren’s spring party. If they had been frosted, I would have driven her to school, but they were unfrosted and such a small number, I figured that she could get them there on her own. I packed them into a small shoe box and sent her off on the bus.

Reports indicate that the trip on the bus was uneventful, but as Lauren was walking to her classroom, someone pushed her from behind and she bumped into a pole which knocked the cupcake box out of her hands and onto the ground, spilling out the cupcakes. Aislinn and another girl passing by helped Lauren get them back into the box. I never got a good answer about whether they all fell out, but at the end of this story Aislinn said “Don’t worry, Mom. I counted to five while we did it, so the cupcakes were still okay.”

I asked Lauren if she told her teacher that they had fallen, she said no. I asked how they looked, and they both shrugged, so I may be off the hook for future cupcake requests.

Programmatic Lessons Learned: Driving Lauren to school wouldn’t have avoided this incident, but taping the box shut might have. I’ll get a working group together to research this soon.

Wardrobe Crises

It started out as a normal day. I was cinching in the adjustable waistband of Lauren's new pants because she is about 6 inches around. The pants were pink, she was happy, and then suddenly:

Lauren: These pants are a little short

Mommy: Actually they’re supposed to be shorter…

Lauren: YOU MEAN THESE ARE CAPRIS??!!! I DON’T LIKE CAPRIS!!!!!! MOMMMYYYY!!

Mommy: They’re not capris on you because they come all the way to your shoes…

Lauren: MOMMYYY!!! I DON’T LIKE CAPRIS!!!!

Mommy: Lauren, if you can’t calm down you’re going to have a timeout before school.

Lauren: BUT I HATE CAPRIS!!!!...

Mommy: Then go change into another pair of pants that are clean.

Lauren: I’M NOT WEARING THOSE GREEN CORDUROYS!!!! I’M NOT…

Mommy: Go to your room until you can calm down.

2 minutes later

Lauren: MOMMMYY!!

Mommy: Back to your room.

5 minutes later

Lauren (grinning in a new pair of pants, not green, corduroy, or capri): I forgot about these pants.

Mommy: --- (see - I've got south patrol)

Marty spent the morning declaring that he was not going to school. He declared it all through breakfast and getting dressed, but didn’t fight back until it was time for his shoes and socks.

Marty: I don’t like these socks.

Mommy: Sure you do. They’re blue and they have yellow trucks on them (don’t be alarmed, he was wearing long pants)

Marty: I don’t like blue socks.

I went to get his sneakers and he pulled the socks off. Time for the big guns.

Mommy: If you can’t cooperate, you must need to go to school more often and learn how big boys behave.

Marty: All right. I’ll wear the blue socks.

What are the arguments against school uniforms again?